Heartbreak in the Time of Wedding Planning

The thing is -I'm also helping two people in my life plan weddings. Heartbreak alone is enough to stomach. As someone who's really busy and risk-averse in relationships, it feels sometimes like everything may be collapsing all around me. I'm also at an age and a time where I honestly feel like I'll never get married and have kids, so I'm extra-bummed. But yes, let's walk through flower arrangements, chiffon vs. satin, aisle runners, corsages, and heels. 

So, my boyfriend and I broke up right after the holidays. Our relationship was going ok, but it wasn't quite smooth. I wasn't at the top of his priority list and he was he only person on mine. We're trying to remain friends, but I'm finding it difficult. We're both trying to claim that neither of us is at fault, but we are. We're at different places in our life, so I'm going to Bonnie Raitt it out ("I can't make you love me") and keep it rolling.


I'm Southern. I always thought I was going to get married at 27, babies by 32, and then in white-picket fence it at 33. However, none of that has happened. I'm a nonprofit executive, I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. It feels so strange. I'm a black feminist, outspoken, and I feel like I've done all I can. My mother attributes my single-ness to my weight, but I have girlfriends my size, my education, etc.,etc. who are married, expecting, etc. I wonder what it is.

I told this to a fellow blogger who then wrote a scathing and insensitive post about how I'm my own problem, but I'm sorry. I'm not settling. *sigh

Anyway, I'm off to do what curvy black girls do. We go to brunch. We suck it up, put on our most fabulous outfits and celebrate others, even when we're hurting. Instead of being vulnerable (we're not allowed that), we go make the best of it, pushing our feelings down and putting the good foot forward. Act as if you feel better and you certainly will...

Until next time...JAG

On Mothers

Whew. I just dropped my demanding, detail-oriented, looks 10 years younger than she is, Mother off at the airport after a whirlwind celebration of her 60th Birthday. We drank wine, tried on bridesmaids dresses for my friend's wedding, went to work for a few hours, shopped at her favorite discount retailer, and got lots of coconut oil. I've come to an appreciation of her. My mother has a great eye for fabric, always has an encouraging word, takes whatever pieces of my closet she'd like, and moves things to be just where she wants them.

She's exacting, careful, and mission-driven. Whether it's time to clean, eat, sleep, or get ready, she adores the finer things (if they are on sale). Last night, instead of going out in the cold, she called the family over for an indoor picnic. We had wings, tater tots, wine, and homemade cake. It was the best birthday ever, she sad. We didn't have to go out and show off to other people, just chill in my apartment, make jokes, and love each other. It was beautiful.
A friend lost his mother recently and told me that he just misses "being mothered." There's no one to check on him every 15 minutes or call him out. He misses seeing the pride that she has in him. It's a close loss, a devastating loss, and a painful loss. I can't imagine his pain, but I can't shield him from it. I can just be there. It's complex, but ultimately it's simple.

Our mothers occupy a unique space in our past, present, and future. I am my mother. I'm just as dogged and intense as she is. But, I'm not my mother. I'm not emotional, sometimes I feel like I've aged faster, and I appreciate different things. I don't ask for permission, I take what I want. But, I often find I need to ask for forgiveness. Over the years, we've become more like sisters. We laughed heartily at watching "Downton Abbey." She noted how much it resembled her childhood in England. We went to Zumba together and shook our money-makers. We had a GOOD time. But, I'm also acutely aware, in a new way, that every moment is precious.

Just my Thoughts...

J.

The War on Women

So, apparently the GOP tactic for this election stretches beyond their typical approach of attacking "guns, god, and gays." Instead, they have decided that it makes sense to use their power to attack women in several ways.

First, Virginia decides that any woman seeking an abortion must have a trans-vaginal ultrasound first. Why? It's an invasive, uncomfortable procedure. Does the Virginia legislature have a chamber full of doctors or just insatiably cruel politicians? I'll go with the latter.

Secondly, birth control. Can my readers raise your hands if you think that coverage for birth control is a BAD idea? The same Republicans who stand opposed are not exactly sanctioning welfare coverage either. I need to understand...we don't want birth control, but we also don't want to educate and support children either. I'm confused.

Thirdly, today's incident around Rush Limbaugh calling a Georgetown Law student a "slut" for demanding coverage of birth control. Oh, it gets better. Instead of just being a slut, he decides that she must be a "prostitute" for wanting her birth control covered. Gross. He's just gross. Why is this a new idea and why are you slandering a college student, Mr. Limbaugh? I stand confused.

So, as we realize the elections in a few months, please remember to stand up. The United States should be a global leader in these issues. However, we have less women in office than many developing nations. Women still make $0.71/$1.00 as a man to woman ration, and it's the year 2012. We can do better. We must do better. The feminist in me is angry. The scholar is angry. But, more importantly, the daughter, friend, sister in me...just angry. Let's end the war on women..it's a time that has long passed.

~J

She is Returned

Hi Team,

I'm trying to return to writing. I have a lot to say, and a special, lovely person has been encouraging me to "open my bottle" and let out my voice. So, I'll be coming over here, linking this with my twitter and delivering my thoughts and ideas.

Happy Reading.

~Miss J

Give More Love

Happy New Year! I had greens and black eyed peas on New Year's day. One is for dollars and one is for change. Don't even get me started on Change - it's the year for that. I'm undergoing change. I'm on job search, day 4 and I've still been really busy. I think I have post-employment stress disorder, which is fairly cool given that I'm getting a solid payout. However, I'm working to identify my safety net, and soon. Being picky about a job in an economy where 2 million jobs were lost is probably not wise, but Crazy Miss J is well...crazy.

This year, I'm giving back. As my pastor says, "it's nice to be nice." So I'm shouting out the barista at Mocha Hut on U Street. She's awesome, always nice, always witty and edgy enough to make an unemployed, over-educated person like me feel good on a bad to. I raise my soy chai (which is the butteriest chai in DC, in case you were wondering) to you, awesome barista lady!

Alright, back to working on work,

Crazy Miss J

Seriously? A Race War? Over Roland Burris.

So, after watching the mess that was Blago's last press conference, i was grossed out. We, as African-Americans, on the heels of our biggest victory in American History are going to let Rod Blagojevich become the architect of our next race war? And now? After Bobby Rush championed Mr. Burris, tap-danced for him (http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/30/burris.transcript/) - he wants to take this to the Congressional Black Caucus? What do you think? I think it's a mess and we need to drop it. As a Black person, we now know that we don't have to shuck and jive for a Senate seat, so let's quit.

Mr. Burris, grow some dignity, and a spine and leave it alone. Mr. Rush, please take some time away. Run, don't walk away from Blago, leave the CBC out of it. Give our new President an inauguration gift and go home, sit down and cheer from afar. You've done enough.

Dumb as S**T

Everyone has their S**tlist, but this year's is extra-grand. Here are the people on mine. I keep screaming out loud - that person is D-A-S, so here goes.

10. Britney Spears - I am secretly rooting for her, but her special "On the Record," only to be topped by the foolishness she made with her husband Kevin proves to me that she's truly, in a word - dumb.
09. Rap music. Don't hate - it's gotten bad. With the exception of some Lil' Wayne, nothing has been really solid. C'mon, you know you like "Mrs. Officer" as much as I do.
08.Dictators (Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez, etc.) Stop killing your own people, go home, get a job elsewhere - people are dying, and it's your fault.
07.Jesse Jackson - Your time has passed, and the Lord let you live to see it. Please take your rightful place in history, no more open mics, no more tears - watch and learn.
06.Amy Winehouse- Put the crack down. I like your music, but your weekly crack sprints are bringing us all down. Go back to signing - it can't be THAT bad.
05.Eliot Spitzer - Seriously? You were governor of New York, fully anti-corruption, and you lost your office for some tail? Bad Move.
04. You. Stop Speinding Money, start saving. Stop buying stuff you can't afford (trust me, I'm included). Fortunately, you also elected a new president, otherwise you'd be Number 1.
03.Sarah Palin - She set the women's movement back 40 years, AND we share a favorite shoe designer - unfortunate. Described by David Gergen as a "sugar high that falls off very quickly," she really killed it this year. God Bless her.
02. Rod Blagojevich - You are DUMB. I don't want to buy a Senate seat, and even if I did, I know where to go. For your reference, see George Ryan, your immediate predecessor, who is serving jail time.
01. George W. Bush - Yeah, you can dodge a shoe, but I firmly believe that Barney the Scottish Terrier has been running the country, and you've had better things to do. Now, I'm jobless, hopeless, and broke - and not better off than I was 8 years ago. Doin' a heckuva job, Bushie.